I Never Initiate Sex - Is Something Wrong With My Libido?

3 sex therapists share their honest advice

🔗 Read the article in Stylist here. 🔗

We all have different sex drives, but what happens when one person is always responsible for getting things going in the bedroom?

Here, three sex therapists explain how to deal with a lack of initiation and why it’s not the relationship red flag some people might think.

There’s so much more to having sex than, well… having sex. If you’re not having it very often, your focus tends to be on frequency and wondering whether you’re doing it as regularly as others. Once you’re in a routine, attention can shift to who initiates.

Who is making sex happen nine times out of ten? Is the non-initiator happy being cajoled into intimacy? Is one partner joking that if it weren’t for them, both of you would be left high and dry?

There are so many factors at play when it comes to initiating sex, but key drivers are obviously libido and desire. You could be head over heels for your partner but still need their touch or softly spoken words to fire up your engines. That’s called responsive desire.

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets in the mood spontaneously – and perhaps you do more than your fair share of lighting the coals of passion.

Mismatched libidos and sexual desire

They might feel like an insurmountable problem, but the key – as with most relationship issues – is communication. That’s why we asked four sex and relationship therapists to share how they’d approach an initiation drought.

Anonymous, 36 (she/her)

“I’ve been with my partner for nearly a decade, and while I enjoy the sex we have, I never initiate it. It never used to be an issue, but in recent months, my partner has dropped the odd comment about me not making an effort in the bedroom.
He also seems to have stopped initiating things himself – like he’s testing to see if I’ll step up. I just don’t feel like having sex most days and need a long time to warm up. Often, it’s only when he starts touching me that I want to have sex.
The idea of sex alone doesn’t turn me on. Is something physically or psychologically wrong with me? I don’t want to force myself to initiate when I’m not in the mood, but I also don’t want my partner to feel unwanted or taken for granted.”

Marian Martinez, Sex Coach & Educator at Smile Makers

“It’s not a rule that women must initiate sex – but it’s worth considering how your partner feels about that. Relationships thrive on mutual effort and initiating intimacy is one way of saying “I want and desire you.”

Everyone has different rhythms. What works for one couple might not for another. If outright initiation feels daunting, try dropping playful hints – a cheeky text, a flirty compliment. That can speak volumes.

Not initiating doesn’t mean something’s wrong – many women have responsive desire, which means they only feel desire once intimacy has already begun. That’s totally normal.

As Emily Nagoski says: ‘Desire isn’t a drive – it’s a reaction.’

If you’re feeling blocked – by shyness, tiredness, self-consciousness – it’s worth exploring that. Sometimes holding back isn’t about lack of attraction, but what’s going on internally.

Try creating situations that help you get in the mood: light a candle, play music, or cuddle without any pressure. It’s about flipping a switch, not rewiring your system.”

Dr Elena Touroni, Consultant Psychologist & Co-Founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic

“Whether you initiate sex or not depends on the dynamics of your relationship. Some couples are fine with one-sided initiation, others aren’t. A lack of initiation can lead to frustration or imbalance.

The solution? Communication. It’s the only way to understand each other’s needs and expectations.

You may simply have different libidos, emotional connections, or past experiences. That’s why it’s essential to have open conversations about desire.

Not everyone wants spontaneous sex either. It’s okay if you don’t! Instead of trying to change, learn to embrace your natural response patterns and talk them through with your partner.”

Victoria Rusnac, Intimacy Coach & Founder of For Play Chocolate

“I’m a big advocate of intentional relationships. That means not blindly following the status quo (which isn’t working – just look at the 42% divorce rate). It’s about creating a relationship that fulfils you both.

If your dynamic works – great! But if one of you feels unwanted, that’s a sign to explore further. Maybe you're not initiating due to shame, trauma, or fear of intimacy. That’s something worth unpacking through honest conversation or coaching.

The key question is: Does it bother you or your partner? If yes, it’s worth exploring.

Ironically, focusing too much on libido can backfire. Pressure and performance anxiety suppress desire. A better strategy? Focus on pleasure, connection, and presence. When we prioritise pleasure, desire often follows.
I always say: “Pleasure is the measure.”

Sexuality is shaped by our brains and society. There’s no one-size-fits-all meaning to sex – it’s what you make of it. A lack of initiation doesn’t equal a lack of desire, and a lack of desire doesn’t mean a lack of love.

Around 85% of women experience responsive desire. That’s normal! But if you want more spontaneous desire, try engaging with erotic content, varying foreplay, reducing stress, or being playful.

What really needs to change is how the media portrays female sexuality. Movies skip over foreplay, misrepresent orgasms, and distort desire.

A good starting point? Educate yourself, and recognise that this might not be a problem – just a different way of experiencing intimacy.

And remember – intimacy can be expressed in non-sexual ways too: hugs, cuddles, quality time, acts of love.
Even if one person isn’t initiating sex often, the other can still feel loved and wanted. My rule? Do intimacy your way.

🔗 Read the article in Stylist here. 🔗