Behind the Scenes of My Made in Chelsea Coaching Session

By Victoria, Relationship & Intimacy Coach and Founder of For Play Academy

My coaching episode on Made in Chelsea is out, and I wanted to share reflections behind the scenes.

I worked with Ollie and Gareth, a gorgeous gay couple who recently had twins and are going through a bit of a dry season. Which, let’s be honest, is incredibly common.

After having kids, many couples experience disconnection, mismatched desires, or just a general loss of spark. But what we explored in that short session is actually relatable for any couple, at any stage.

Catch the coaching moment on camera:

Here are a few of the highlights that stood out and how they might support you too.

1. Be honest about what a realistic sex life looks like

One of the first things I asked was: “What would your ideal sex life look like?” Gareth said three to five times a week. Ollie was… not on board. This is such a common mismatch and it’s where so many couples get stuck.

If you’re navigating big life changes like kids, a new job, or a home move, you might need to recalibrate your expectations. Sex doesn’t have to happen as often as it used to, but it can still be nourishing, connected, and playful. Focus on quality of pleasure and connection rather than quantity.

The most important thing is having an honest conversation about what works for this season of your life.

2. Understand responsive desire

In most couples, one partner experiences spontaneous desire. They want intimacy out of the blue, without any foreplay.

The other might have responsive desire. They need emotional closeness, safety, and both mental and physical stimulation before they feel desire and arousal.

Responsive desire can feel quite flat or neutral at first, like “I don’t really want sex, but I don’t mind.” And that’s where people get confused.

That “I don’t mind” doesn’t mean no. It means:
👉 “I’m open to seeing if I can get turned on.”
👉 “I’m open to receiving pleasure.”

Allowing yourself to get in the mood is one of the best ways to reconnect with responsive desire and its invitation.

3. Reconnect with your Erotic Self

Over time, especially in long-term relationships, we disconnect from our Erotic Selves — what I also like to call Lover Mode.

We forget what turns us on, what excites us, what helps us drop into our body, and what feels playful and alive.

Ask your Erotic Self:
• What do you want, need, and desire? What brings you pleasure?
• What kind of energy shows up when you feel turned on?
• What kind of lover do you want me to be?

It’s all about embracing intimacy from your Erotic Self, rather than from your business or parent self.

Related: Reconnect with Your Erotic Self

4. Novelty, novelty, novelty

   
   

One of my favourite moments was when Ollie said he gets bored of the usual bedtime routine and that newness feels exciting to him.

So I suggested they plan a “fuckation” or “fucking vacation”— not just a weekend away, but one that’s intentionally created to help them reconnect as lovers.

The change doesn’t have to be big or expensive. Even small changes like a new location, a new position, or a different time of day can wake up your senses and create fresh erotic energy. That’s the power of novelty.

5.  Sex is often a bid for connection

If your partner tends to have spontaneous desire, craving sex “out of the blue,” it’s easy to assume they’re just looking for physical release.

But often, what they’re really seeking is connection.

For many people with spontaneous desire, sex is a primary way to feel loved, close, and emotionally bonded. It’s not just about the act. It’s how they reach for intimacy.

So when they initiate, they might actually be saying: “I miss you.” “I want to feel connected.” “I need to feel close to you.”

Understanding this can soften how we respond. Instead of turning down the act, try tuning in to the underlying need—the desire to feel wanted, safe, and emotionally held. You may not always be in the mood, but recognising the emotional bid beneath the sexual one can open the door to a deeper connection, whether or not sex happens.

Want to explore this in your own relationship?

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, newly partnered, or single, these questions matter. Your pleasure matters. Your sexual wellbeing is part of your overall wellbeing.