Power Play: The Art of Dominance and Submission

By Victoria, Relationship & Intimacy Coach and Founder of For Play Academy

Power Play is the second most popular fantasy. According to research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, 93% of women and 81% of men have fantasised about being dominated — and 85% of men and 76% of women have fantasised about being dominant.

So why does this dynamic of Dominance and Submission (D/s) hold such power over our erotic imagination? Because it offers something most of us rarely feel: permission to be fully in charge… or to completely let go.

I joined Isabelle and Tom on the Talking Kinky podcast to explore how couples can experience Power Play safely, consciously, and with a deeper sense of connection. You can listen to the episode on Apple or Spotify.

What is Power Play?

Power Play refers to consensual erotic dynamics where one person takes control (the Dominant), and the other willingly surrenders that control (the submissive).

But it’s not just about physical dominance. True Dominance and submission play — or D/s for short — is emotional, psychological, and deeply relational.

Power Play can create a safe, intentional space where we explore polarity, release shame, and bring our full selves into the bedroom including the shadow parts we often suppress in daily life.

“It’s not about barking commands or acting out porn scenes. It’s about reading your partner’s energy, building anticipation, and crafting an erotic experience that hits their triggers.”
— Victoria

Polarity: The Spark Behind the Fantasy

So many couples say, “The spark is gone.”
In most cases, what they’re missing is polarity — the erotic tension between opposites.

Masculine and feminine. Leader and follower. Control and surrender.

When couples spend all their time twinning in modern relationships — raising kids, managing logistics, sharing emotional labour — they build togetherness, but often at the cost of erotic charge.

Power Play reintroduces it.

“Polarity is the energy that made things feel electric in the beginning. Power Play is a way to consciously recreate that — safely and intentionally.”
— Victoria

Is it Normal to Want This?

It is absolutely natural and the second most popular fantasy.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s research in Tell Me What You Want:

• 93% of women and 81% of men have fantasised about being dominated

• 85% of men and 76% of women have fantasised about being dominant

• Only 7% of men and 4% of women had never fantasised about BDSM

“We all have both energies inside of us. The part that longs to lead. And the part that aches to surrender.”
— Victoria

Sometimes you want to be worshipped.
Sometimes you want to be pinned.
And sometimes… you want to do the pinning.

Welcome to the switch club.

From CEOs who crave surrender, to caretakers who long to lead — Power Play offers a safe container to explore the shadow parts of ourselves we rarely express in daily life.

How to Start: Conversations That Open the Door

You don’t need whips, scripts, or fancy equipment to begin. You need one thing: a willingness to talk.

Start by exploring novelty and fantasies in general:

• “Is there anything new you’ve been curious to try in bed?”

• “How can I make our sex life feel more playful and exciting?”

• “How can I be a better lover for you?” (My absolute favourite question)

These kinds of questions create emotional safety and open the door to deeper play.

Introduce D/s Energy Before Naming It

Sometimes the label can feel intimidating. Rather than leading with a request for “dominance” or “submission,” begin with subtle, embodied invitations instead:

• A hand resting firmly on your partner’s chest

• A slow, confident instruction: “Touch yourself… but don’t finish until I say so.”

• Whispering a praise kink: “Good girl” or “You’re mine.”

These micro-moments build the muscle for erotic leadership and conscious surrender — one breath, one invitation at a time.

Practical Tools to Support Exploration

Here are a few tools I recommend to my clients and students:

• BDSMtest.org — to explore your erotic blueprint

• Yes / No / Maybe lists — to negotiate boundaries and desires together

• The “I’m in control tonight” game — take turns giving and receiving instructions

The Role of Aftercare

After playing with power — where both partners may enter trance-like states known as subspace and domspace — it’s essential to land softly.

Aftercare can include:

• Physical touch: cuddling, skin-to-skin contact

• Verbal affirmation: “Thank you for trusting me.”

• Nourishment: chocolate, tea, water

• Quiet reflection or journaling

• Simply lying in silence together

This is not just recovery — it’s part of the intimacy. The care you give each other after the play often determines how safe and loved you feel when you try again.

Common Blocks and How to Move Through Them

One listener asked: “My partner wants to be submissive, but I’ve always seen them as the dominant one. I don’t know how to reconcile that.”

This is such a common fear especially in long-term dynamics where identities feel fixed.

Here’s what I shared:

“Allow your partner to show you a new side of themselves. It’s not a threat — it’s an invitation. Erotic identity is fluid. We all have more than one part. Let them play.”

And if you’re the one feeling unsure about stepping into dominance?
Practice small. Practice with love. And know that confidence builds through repetition — not perfection.

Explore Your Desires

If you’re feeling the pull toward Power Play whether it’s a quiet curiosity or a full-bodied yes  know this: Your desires are natural.  They’re revealing something important about what turns you on, what connects you, and what might be waiting just beyond your current comfort zone.

“Talk, play, be curious. And above all consent, communicate, and care for one another.”
— Victoria

Power Play isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about bringing more of your true self into the bedroom — the part that wants to lead, surrender, be seen, be taken, or simply feel more.

And if you’d like guidance as you explore… Explore intimacy coaching to work with me or join upcoming workshops.